This is at least the third time I've started this post. I wanted to write about plants, about my routines, about projects that I'm trying to work on. But, none of those flowed, probably because I was fighting what I really wanted to say. For me, 2021 is going to be the year of listening to my intuition, so I needed to change course.
It looks like we'll be moving houses in the next couple of months. It's a close move, within the same small town where I currently live. It's very exciting for us---we'll have expansive views and more space. I'm stressed about selling our house, and I'm especially stressed about the quantity of stuff that we've acquired. Our little house is packed to the gills with the belongings of three people who have many interests and a hard time parting with things. When I gave up my studio room to my daughter almost eight years ago, I've been displaced. I finally carved out room for myself in a corner of our dining room, where I have a small desk and limited supplies stowed around it. Both realtors who have been in have taken a pointed look at the desk and made reference to the fact that we look rather hunkered down. This felt really personal, and it took a few days for me to figure out why.
Four years ago, I had a reading with an astrologer friend, and we came upon this obstacle that was holding me up. "I'm afraid of taking up space," I told her. When I said it out loud, it made so much sense. I was always trying to make myself small, unobtrusive. I didn't want my ideas to take up too much space, or my body, or my stuff. I've been slowly expanding and giving myself permission to do so. When my art space was singled out by the realtors, it made me feel like I wasn't worthy of having space. It felt really personal. So, my current challenge is to figure out how to keep occupying my space and work, while physically parting with the pieces of it that I don't need. And, to keep listening to my intuition to make good choices for myself and my work.